Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Old Stuff from CL site

The warmth of a cocker spaniel

Monday Mar 19 2007 13:26:18

Logged on to read the blogs for the first time today. Some are very wistful are they not, quite the Edwardian Country Diary type. Some are very funny and some quite puzzling.

Here I am in Yorkshire and glad that it's cold everywhere else that you're blogging from. I have just spent a fortune going 'wireless' on my out-dated (four years old, I ask you) Apple Mac so I could move it out of the laundry room/dog's bedroom where it's blissfully warm but dusty and into the 'office' part of the dining room. Where, I find today, it's blummin' freezing. So after finding my way to my husband's kind heart with hot pork-and-apple-sauce buns at lunchtime, he indulged me and lit the impossible log burner in the sitting room and here I am typing at the coffee table on the old kilim cushion (which the dog thinks is her bed mark II) with Dirty Gertie lying beside me, fire side, and keeping my right thigh toasty. Hence the title.

Just been in the field for a walk with Gert. I was standing contemplating the dead cat in the river at the bottom of the field and whether I could get down there and prod it a bit with a stick so it floats away to be dead at the bottom of someone else's garden, when I heard a manic squeaking. The field is full of small holes, presumably from the shrews and voles we discovered under the wood pile a couple of weeks ago. I must have been standing on a tiny tail. I looked very hard but couldn't find it under the long grass (neither the shrew/vole nor the tail). Oops, sorry and all that.

Dead cats are a bit of a recurring theme in our family. The day we moved back into our renovated farmhouse last year we found a large kitten in the garden, looking very worse for wear. It was late and the vets were closed so it went into a cardboard box on some newspaper. Milk and water were provided but it was too weak to drink. Fleas leapt around with great joy. Gert the puppy leapt higher than ever to see into the box on top of the stove (it was switched off before you start writing angry replies!). Needless to say after several smelly convulsions it shuffled off this mortal coil. So out went the box on top of the bin for the night until I could bury it.

Tears and prayers from devout six year old - 'Mummy make Smokey a headstone!' he shrieked from the school gate. Oh, erm, ok. So there I was with a left-over half paving stone and a chisel. SMOKE (no room for the Y, slight misjudgement there) and off to dig a hole under the gnarled hawthorn tree. Hole dug, fetch cat, cat out of box, stiff as a board. Won't fit in hole. Hole can't go any wider because of tree roots. Tragi-comedy ensues.

So Smoke (now renamed officially) dealt with and to this day I find myself having to persuade ghoulish son and friend with psychotic tendencies from digging him/her up. "I will dig up smok' said a secret note in his bedside drawer 'privaet no guls alowd'. I'm not a gul I'm a mother and that's something completely different.

It's snowing and I need another cup of honeybush tea so if anyone is interested I'll regale you with the subterfuge and varied deceits surrounding dead cat number three another time. I definitely have more luck with dogs. Don't worry about Gertie.


S*d the environment, it's cold

Monday Mar 19 2007 15:56:46

It's very very cold and all the hard work reprogramming the central heating timer and turning down the thermostats by 2 degrees each has just been reversed by having to put the heating on the all day setting. Am going out on the school run soon and will pick up more long-life light bulbs to make up for it. And maybe some jerusalem artichokes from the farm stand on the way to school. Or not, methane = bad, no? And I am wearing all the thermal vests and jumpers I can get on at once. Nice look.

So pleased to hear you all had lovely mothers days. My sweet darling tiptoed in at 7am and whispered 'Happy Valentine's Day', then disappeared to play death and destruction games with his Playmobil badgers, involving lots of 'aaarrrggghhh! Eurgghh!' at top volume. A charming card with his smiley face popping up from behind a balding hedgehog (clever lever work with a split pin, the child's a genius) bore the message 'Mummy I love you I hop you have the best time in the wold'. So far so good.

Decided to take my Mum to Betty's for breakfast (if you don't know Betty's cafe and tearooms, Google it - best in the wold! Mum had caught wind of the fact I was cooking lunch for the in-laws so wouldn't let me go to Betty's - no time, no time! Panic transferrance extrordinaire. Dad looked glum, I'd been bigging up (get me, I'm hep with the cats in the hood) the breakfast rosti to him while we decorated the spare room together last week. Poor old chap, denied, again. So no treat.

I'm worried people might think I'm a cat murderer from last (or first depending on how you look at it) blog. I'm not, they just all come to me to die. Why do they come to me to die? (from which film? It sounds kinda familiar). I did lie to the vicar last week,though, so I'm going straight to hell anyway. Ho hum.


Stuck in a moment...
Tuesday Mar 20 2007 11:57:08

I'm having a country chic crisis today. Sunday found me wearing the same chocolate brown cord jeans as my mother-in-law (nearly 60), today found me having a cup of tea with my own mother (nearly 70) and we're both wearing the same Tesco cashmere polo neck. The Lands End catalogue is in the mail box and I'm feeling drawn towards comfy separates in linen. I'm only 34 for pete's sake! I'm having a moment.

I was feeling sorry for poor old Kate Middleton as the papers slated her latest Boden-babe look (I'm all for it - loafers, scarves and tweedy jackets, fab). Lamb dressed as mutton! they scream. Me too, my mutton moment is upon me, although I'm hardly a spring lamb like Kate.

I met an old schoolfriend the other day, haven't seen her since sixth form. I was probably sitting under a bush learning to smoke Consulate minty fags last time we met (hiding from teachers, not in a pixie-emulating way). She exclaimed "You haven't changed!', and was probably referring to my clothes, meaning it very literally. I haven't changed, the shape of my jeans has probably changed (although 501s then, 501s now, plus ca change...)

And now we are so passe if we wear bootcut. It took me years to get used to them, feeling like a Bay City Roller with them flapping about by my ankles, and now they take them away! Cruel twist of fashion. I flicked through the Sunday Times Style mag yesterday and am bemused by much of the current trend - wooden wedges anyone? I'd sink in the mud/gravel.

It's tricky when you're a country girl. You can't wear heels or else you sink/break/ruin them, anything smart that can only be dry cleaned is out as everything gets muddy/sooty/mossy very quickly around here. I once tried white jeans. Ha!

I'm confused. Old before my time, fuddy duddy and middle aged prematurely. Premature maturation. Too old for TopShop and H&M, too young for Liz Claiborne? Stuck in a middle aged rut I've been in since I was 17. I think I need a makeover. Suggest a new coumn for CL - in the style of GH's Look for a Lifestyle.


Up hill and down dale

Wednesday Mar 21 2007 20:32:11

Today was a good day - fortified with moleskins and wellies, a walk with my parent's walking group in the Yorkshire Dales. 9 oldies, and me. And it got me thinking as I chatted to 9 other people with no axe to grind, not points to score, no egos to be flattered; how simple life seems to get as you get older.

Not for everyone, I know, my neurotic Aunt who's in her 70's has all of the above issues and then some, but these people knew who they were, what they wanted and where they were in life. We puffed up and down hills, admired spring flowers, lapwings, curlews, Swaledale black face sheep, peacocks (yes, really, even here) and blooming marvellous views and just all got on with our walk together, with a bit of friendly chat and companionable interest in each other's dogs, anoracks, fleeces and walking boot choices.

And afterwards in the car, no-one said "Did you see what she was wearing? Can you believe what he said?"...etc.

All the talk about the school playground on the site here (with which I completely sympathise, having exorcised my last ghost a year ago and am still feeling exhilarated that I won't let her bully me any more) has made me think about those things we say that leave us with the gnawing in the pit of our stomach that won't let us forget, or sleep. The most innocent and well-meaning comment will be taken as a snide, cutting remark by some, usually those with the biggest insecurities.

So I made a decision, as I later lay on the table to Give Blood, (I told you it was a good day - I'm feeling SO Virtuous after a long walk and a donated pint) - speak out if you need to, encourage those who show the courage to have convictions, defend yourself when attacked. I did all this in 2005 and have been in a much happier place since. (And Zoe, I liked the mohair cardy I wore in 6th form, even if was my mother's, and I defy you to ever bully me again and make my cry. Even until I was 33 I let it happen and now I say bugger off you evil schoolgirl.)

Cheer up y'all. The lambs are gambolling (never thought I'd actually use that word) in the fields - go and watch some bouncing and skipping ad just jumping for the hell of it and I promise things will feel so much better.


The smell of squirrels

Friday Mar 23 2007 10:07:23

"I can smell squirrels" said boy-wonder on the way to school this morning - we were in the car in the back of beyond. "What do squirrels smell like?" I asked, trying not to laugh. "Funny, like nuts, sort of." At this point I burst out laughing and we chuckled along together the rest of the way to school. I had been conclusively cheered up after my pre-menstrual gloom of yesterday and boy-wonder was so proud of himself for making me laugh with an innocent comment that turned into his best-joke-ever. The blue skies today help - it's all big sky country round here again.

Yesterday was drizzly and grey, but in the half light the buds on the hawthorn were like little green sequins ready to pop. You just don't notice them the same when it's sunny. Not enough rain, though, to swell the river and wash away the dead cat that's still lodged at the bottom of the garden. I tried to get down there and poke it free with a big stick on Tuesday, but as I stepped down into the water my foot sank in to soft mud up to the ankle so I had to sit down on the bank to steady myself and prise my foot and welly free. And the baby nettles stung my bottom through my jeans. Ow. They are so little yet so vicious. A light dusting of snow covered the cat on Wednesday. I'm obsessed, I know.

Day of morbid ironing and cleaning yesterday, but when I collected boy-wonder from school, kind friend Lucy (mother of boy's best friend) invited me round for a coffee. I sat in my customary chair at her kitchen table in my gloom as she supplied me with coffee, then wine, then fed all the children (and me on the leftovers). She has three small children, a lovely house, always has time for a chat and a coffee, always has hair done and makeup on, is never scruffy, is never late for school. I'm in awe.

Well, off to Pilates now. Like CountryNobody's yoga blog this morning mine was going to be about the community centre where we do Pilates on a Friday morning. I get to have a lie down (don't you love an exercise class where you get a lie down?) and listen to Mums and crying tots, and the social group for people with learning disabilities shouting and manically laughing (I try not to laugh along but it's infectious) in the foyer as we breathe the wrong way round and try to relax! As if! It's a true community centre - the council have tried to jazz it up with a funky name, but it's our cinema, theatre, meeting place and melting pot.

Fish and Chips tonight on a bench overlooking one of the most beautiful views in Wensleydale, if the rain stays away. In the car if not - steamy windows and the smell of salt and vinegar for days afterwards. Happy days are here again!


Village Fate

Monday Mar 26 2007 21:27:14

The dead cat has gone. I'm so relieved. It's been lurking in the river for a week and now, thankfully, something's moved it along. I feel like a dark cloud has lifted. Too much time spent standing on the bank staring at it was not good, too morbid and a little disturbing, mainly for the neighbours (strange woman in red anorak still standing staring at the water).

Full Playmobil weaponry lurking at the bottom of the murky bath tonight (ouch) - once again I get third bath (we're being ecologically sound and of course mummy's little darling gets first bath, it's a mean race for second). Third bath,also known as Soup of the Day. Yuk. I long for fresh bubbles with some Ren Morroccan Rose Otto (whatever) bath stuff. Only on a Sunday morning do I get first bath - tons of hot water, so deep, read a few chapters and put a treatment on my hair.

And what about the weather? I do so hope you've had the day we have up here in the frozen north. Frozen no longer! It was positively balmy. And to think a week ago I started blogging from the fireside because the rest of the house was so frigid. Today I threw open the french doors and took my book into the garden (ok, so I was still wearing the red anorak, replaced at lunchtime by a new Lands End fleece which arrived in the post. With my initials embroidered on it! How tragic - how I love it! I'm going to pretend it's ironic but I'm chuffed to bits!).

Decided it's too taxing to think of an interesting title for the blog every time, so I'm going with today's title from now on. Shame, really, as it was my novel title, so please don't anyone steal it - I may yet get around to using it in earnest. No, honestly. If I only had a plot...



Tuesday Mar 27 2007 10:59:27

Village Fate

The plumber came back! At last I should have an en-suite bathroom. The renovation of the farmhouse is nearly finished, we extended into an unused roof-space to create what was going to be a bathroom and dressing room, but both would have been tiny and the bath we wanted was huge, so we abandoned the idea of a walk-in-wardrobe to have a large en-suite. And it's going to be lovely (once it's plumbed in). We've put two dormer windows in overlooking the garden and fields beyond and I'm so excited!

Just need the electrician to come and deal with the wires hanging out of the kitchen walls and we're another step closer. My DIY-phobe husband excelled himself before Christmas and installed the oak floorboards in the dining and sitting rooms - and made a great job. But now I want him to turn his attention to the skirting boards he's gone all evasive on me again.

It's gardening weather and we've got 2 1/2 acres to transform from muddy paddock into gardens. We have plans for a large wildlife pond, orchard, wildflower meadow, veg garden, cutting garden, knot garden, covered walkway... lots of work but lots of inspiration from back copies of CL, Gardens Illustrated, the English Garden etc.

I was helping a friend with ideas for her new kitchen the other day and got my trusty scrapbook out. I collected images from magazines and brochures over the years and stuck them into a child's scrapbook covered in a gorgeous wallpaper sample pinched from Laura Ashley. I am amazed at how many of my ideas have now come to fruition, ok so we couldn't afford the Fired Earth bathroom or Mark Wilkinson kitchen, but what we have found independently is much cheaper and just as lovely. Our local cabinetmaker has hand-built a beautiful oak kitchen which is a true one-off and at less than half the MW price.

I have splashed out on the lovely fabrics from Vanessa Arbuthnott (going to make some little curtains from Out and About for the en-suite this afternoon). The kitchen's all duck-egg Cockerels and Hens (many chickens as my friend's two year old noted) and the sitting room has the Arts and Crafts inspired Pie in the Sky. Just lovely. I can't believe how lucky I am to have all this - growing up in a town I can't remember ever wanting to live in the country, and I was a City girl in my early twenties, but falling in love with a country boy does strange things to you and once you get used to being woken up by the cockerel and cows there's no going back.

I'll take a picture of the lovely new bathroom once it's finished and try and post it here. For now, here's a practice with one of the dog, Gertie. Searching through i-Photo to find a pic I found the pics of our house during part-demolition stage almost exactly a year ago. To think how far we've come, I am blessed!

Tuesday Mar 27 2007 17:49:30

Tsunami the plumber has lived up to his name once again. He hasn't been gone half an hour and I notice a puddle on the kitchen floor. Think the dog has disgraced herself (she's still a puppy so the odd accident is bound to happen...) but no, the water is coming from behind the door frame to the laundry room. Puzzled, I look up - dampness in lines all over the blummin place. So I turn off the water at the stopcock and run upstairs.

Where there is meant to be an ensuite bathroom there is a basin (ostensibly plumbed in but you wouldn't dare turn on the taps), and two shiny chrome standpipes. No bath, no loo. The hot tap is leaking from inside the standpipe. The screws fixing it to the floor are so tight I can't get the pipe off to see where the leak is and do something about it.

This morning I read exmoorjane's sad and grumpy title and thought, in a particularly Doris Day fashion, "oh, don't be sad and grumpy, be happy!' but now I'm sad and grumpy too.

Just sent husband upstairs to unscrew the pipe - just what you want when you get home from work, another plumbing emergency.

And I was so proud - I built half a stone wall this afternoon. Flipping Tsunami has rained on my parade again. Literally. Grrr.


Wednesday Mar 28 2007 21:16:48

Tsunami the plumber was appropriately contrite this morning. I was kind, and didn't shout or nag, just pointed out that I managed to mend his leak with PTFE tape (my Dad served his time as a heating engineer - albeit 50-odd years ago, and there are some things you just learn by osmosis when you help out as a child!) so maybe he might check his work next time before he leaves the scene of the crime. So not too much water through the kitchen ceiling today, which is a Good Thing as Saint Martha Stewart (I heart Martha) would say.

So we have a basin that appears to work and not leak, and a BIG bath in the middle of the room. Great for my exceedingly tall husband, but it's so big that very small me just sort of disappears into the bottom and it's all slippy and odd. So pouff goes the dream of rose-scented bubbles, champagne and a good book for hours on end. Back to the old bathroom, paint-splattered original bath and dripping taps. Hey-ho. The new bath's the kind of bath you share - in a romantic way. Having been married nearly 10 years, I've forgotten why you'd want to share a bath...

Almost finished the stone wall this afternoon - it's looking really good, rustic but satisfying. My back's breaking but in a good way. Nothing a stiff gin won't sort out! I'm definitely going to take a pic and show off about it, I'm so proud. All the old stones from the bits of house and wall that had to come down last year to appease the planners (grrr, planners...) are being re-used. How eco-friendly.

Lots of blogs today telling a story like my life from somewhere else, I love to read that. A big red sun at dawn like the one I walked across my field under yesterday, just stunning. Plumbers and plasterers turning up or not, animals behaving badly or strangely. All in a day's work. It makes me feel my slightly off-kilter life is less odd than I feared.

The man from FWAG is coming in the morning to look at the wildlife pond site and give me some advice, looking forward to that. The a church service for the end of term in the afternoon - I have to read a piece so now I'm off to hunt out a bible to find out what it is before Desperate Housewives (and another G&T? I've stopped buying wine as I think I drink too much of it so now am drinking anything else I can lay my hands on. That last half inch of Kahlua circa 1995? Meths and tonic anyone?)


Thursday Mar 29 2007 18:47:26

The FWAG man cometh and the FWAG may says we can dig a pond and puddle it with clay and fill it from a land drain under the field - hurrah! And he said we should keep some geese to keep the grass down in the meadow. Oh dear me, I am scared of big birds. So I took advice on the chat forum and Gardenwitch says no, and I gather she knows her stuff. So I am heeding that advice. I shall just buy a hardy mower.

Easter service this afternoon, got all bright-eyed at hearing the children singing Mary's Song (Tell me why did it have to be done/when my feelings of love are so strong/could it be there's a reason for taking the life of my son?) Gulp, I defy any mother of an only son to not be moved by those words, sung with such passion by forty small children. Deep breath, don't blink, there, all gone now.

Have bought a beautiful weeping willow-leaved pear tree for the turning circle on the front drive. And, on the advice of the FWAG man, some silver birch saplings for the bank of rubble in the field. We'll plant a stand of them to cover the ugly bank and provide a delicate screen. I love seeing the sun shine through birch trunks - it's like a barcode. Or driving past a birch sapling wood reminds me of the flashing lights you get with a migraine. Only less painful!

In true it-shouldn't-happen style, I have just made some yorkshire puddings to go with the sausages and mash (toad out of the hole) for dinner this evening. When I try and get them right, they're a mess. Flat, tasteless, stodgy. And then tonight when I pull the flour jar out and there are only two-spoons left in it (and no spare bag in the larder), I substitute the other two spoons with SR (cardinal sin in YP making circles) and then think it looks a bit odd so bung another egg in. would you believe it, they're the best ever. But I know I'll never ever be able to replicate them. Especially not when the in-laws are round for Roast Beef. And me an adopted Yorkshire woman, the ability to make the native puddings should come with the territory.

Just to finish, something that always makes me smile on the subject of toad in the hole. A French friend said to me one day 'I cannot understand this turd in the hurl.' So it's Turd in the Hurl round here to this day. Always makes me chuckle.


Friday Mar 30 2007 17:13:03

Village Fate

Have just had a giggle on Google. Looking for a pic of a glass of wine to embellish my boring blog of the day, I typed in 'glass of wine', as you would, and there are loads of people on their hols holding up a glass of wine to the camera! Ho Ho. And a picture of a dolphin, and some chickens. Bizarre.

The glass of wine is because I'm craving. In an attempt to drink less (although on two/three glasses a day, I hardly need AA yet) I have stopped buying wine. And started raiding the cupboard. Gin doesn't do it for me any more, when I drink gin I get achy shoulders, which I know sounds a bit odd, but so does my sister, so it's not just me being strange.

So I almost finished the wall - some achievement for me. My day job recently has been beauty writer for a local magazine. So boring, but they pay well. It involves me learning lots about anti-ageing and anti-cellulite treatments. The Editor says 'go and have your wrinkles done'. I think 'What can she see that I can't?' I may well have a few grey hairs and there is an element of slight crepeyness under my eyes (but realistically only I can see that in my magnifying mirror), but I am far, far from needing Botox. Cheeky madam. AND, I'm not a footballer's wife. But, on the plus side, I have met some lovely blonde girls with tans who know lots and lots about hot wax.

So, you see, building a wall is a big deal for me. And it looks quite good. I promised a pic and will post one when I can find the camera and the USB cable.

Oh, bugger it, I'm off to the supermarket to buy wine. There are health benefits you know. It's Friday. Will probably buy an Indian take-away meal too, might as well spend the Beauty fees on things to make me have bad skin and cellulite. Give them something to work on next time!

Sunday Apr 01 2007 11:21:47

Village Fate

Meant to be following a donkey from one village to the next this morning in the Palm Sunday procession. But didn't wake up until late-ish (the bliss of turning the alarm clock off!) so couldn't face the full-on nagging session that would have had to ensue to get boy ready, me ready, dog walked, breakfast all round etc. It's Sunday, a day of rest, not a day of frenetic harrying and temper-losing.

And how, may I ask, is it going to take an HOUR to walk a donkey two miles? There would have been lots of standing around, and despite the fact the sun's trying to shine, and without the red anorak (down filled, ahh) I would have frozen (can't wear muddy anorak with dog-biscuit filled pockets to church).

So, heathen that I am we're not going to church on Palm Sunday. The boys only use their crosses as guns or swords anyway. The only bit of Christ on the Cross they're bothered about is how much blood? And did they really nail his feet? Cool. Boys! Eye rolling! (Must stop doing that.)

Have a rosé induced headache again this morning. After Friday's blog I rushed to M&S Food (our local market town finally got one last year, and there's rumour of a Waitrose too - how exciting) to buy ready meals and cold wine - only rosé in the fridge, so I bought a couple of bottles. Delicious but two (umm, maybe three, just tiny ones, though) glasses gives you a whopping headache. Did it stop me going back to the bottle for more last night? Of course not. Glutton for punishment. Or just glutton.

Thanks for funny comments on Friday's blogs, made me chuckle. I'll keep you updated on the beauty front.

And for Gardener's hands? Keep your nails a bit longer so the ends of your fingers don't crack, keep an anti-ageing handcream on your bedside table and really slather it on before bed, and if you have the luxury of half an hour watching TV on an evening, rub in handcream (do your heels as well - best after a bath when the skin's softer) while you sit and watch. Keep Atrixo next to the sink so when you've washed your hands you can put a bit on. It's an oldie but a goodie.


Monday April 2nd 2007

You guys! Milla and exmoorjane, genius with the show all thing! I have comments galore - seven on one blog from last week which touched a nerve about fashion for the older lady! Thank you *all* for you lovely comments and for actually reading the rubbish I type. Oh, tearful moment, love you all so much, virtual friends rule! And you can't see me looking rough in my mismatched Primark PJs.

Finished the wall tonight. Will take a pic tomorrow and work out how to post it. Had to mould concrete onto the top to match the old part, but was quite fun patting it into place.
'A bit like smacking a bottom' I commented cheerfuly to a passing neighbour.
'I've seen it all now...' she muttered, looking appalled as she walked past with her fat dog.
'I bet you feel like putting your nipples in it.' said my husband, admiring my handiwork.
'My Nipples? What? God, do you ever think of anything else?' and I was off on a rant (again).
'No, I said INITIALS.' He replied.
'Ah, oh. I see.' What more could I say after that?

Another day of horrendous misunderstandings and rudeness in our household.


Tuesday Apr 03 2007 16:42:42
Village Fate

Here's a pic. And I shall say no more on this subject.

The dog smells, the house is cold and the boy is upstairs with his best friend building 'aminal' world out of Playmobil. We tidied all the Playmobil away into an attractive plastic storage chest of drawers newly purchased to make the playroom tidy (which in turn was created from the small spare room to render the bedroom tidy). I've just heard an avalanche noise accompanied by little friend saying 'You're going to get really told off now.' Sigh.

Kind Lucy gave me wine at 3pm, while her sweet miniature dachshund slept on my knee, so the afternoon drinking headache is coming on already. At least it will save me drinking more tonight. But now I am craving just one tiny Marl. Light. And I gave up 10 years ago! Will the addiction never go away?

Karate tonight, burly man from Hartlepool with lots of tattoos teaching my baby boy how to defend himself against school bullies and would-be-abductors. He needs a head-guard and a groin guard, I feel that's a father and son task. I just have no idea where to start on the cricket box front. Never seen one, just heard rumours.

Have to go and force seven year olds to eat fish goujons (for goodness sake they're just funny shaped fish fingers, just eat them) and at least two types of veg before they're allowed chocolate.

Hope everyone's well and happy - does anyone else feel a bit flat now the holidays are here and nothing exciting's happening? Need to get the 'I'm Bored' books out, don't I?


Wednesday Apr 04 2007 17:48:39
I have the proverbial joys of spring today, after yesterday's slump of misery I am back on form.

Sadly for some readers I started off the day with the sort of country loving hedgerow gazing pursuits that really peeve some people off. Sorry. The badgers had cleaned out their sett and pushed soft brown soil and stones all over the lane, so I helpfully cleared that up (at 7am, Pollyanna had nothing on me), then saw a flock of what might or might not be fieldfares, too far away and didn't have giant prescription sunglasses on (can't find normal specs, so am buggered driving in the dark). Then two yellow birds flew out of the hedge right near me (greenfinches, yellowhammers? )and were so pretty and chirpy. Blue skies! White clouds! Smelly dog! Grubby anorak!

Then best ever friend with new baby and four year old came to play. New baby V sweet and beautiful, didn't cry much (all babies cry when I pick them up, I think I'm too bony or something. Maybe they just know I'm mean and don't like other people's children much), four year old delighted to play with my little delinquent and vice-versa, old friend and I drank tea on a bench in the patch of bare earth we laughingly call a garden, and chuckled and snorted a lot. Perfect.

Acupuncture this afternoon, ah, the bliss of lying down for half an hour in a darkened room with a heat lamp over your tummy. Don't know whether it works or not but I do like the lie down. Am trying to sort hormones out after three years on a 'dead from the scalp down' mini pill that suppressed all hormonal activity. I need, shall we say, perking up a bit. Sadly for my patient and long-suffering husband, all my 'perky' thoughts seem to be directed at lovely TV gardener Dan Pearson and stand-in-teacher at Karate. Husband gets the Primark pyjamas (my friend's husband calls her long nightie the iron curtain!) and cold shoulder treatment. I am such a cow.

And yes, the giant prescription sunglasses are a bit WAG but just as I sensibly chose the all-in-one price for £50 pair, the (canny) nice optician asked if, purely out of interest of course, I might like to look in the Bling cabinet. Ha! said I. Not interested in that sort of expensive tat... until I spotted some giant D&G ones, plain black with with LEOPARD print inside! How could I say no? I love a bit of leopard. I'm all Homes and Gardens with my Farrow and Ball (yes, I know, only in one room), but show me a leopard print cushion and I start channeling a Texan Whorehouse.


Thursday Apr 05 2007 09:01:05

Village Fate

It's a noisy morning out there today. Last night at about seven it was so peaceful and calm, this morning at about seven it's all baa, cock-a-doodle-doo, moo, woof, caark (bang), tweet, rumbling tractors, beep-beep reversing farm vehicles, rattling trains and distant traffic noise. Must be something atmospheric that makes it noisier on a morning. Much better though than the sirens and booming bass of car stereos that paraded past my window when I lived in the city.

Thought husband had come to a sticky end last night when he didn't turn up until after 8. He won't have a mobile so although I knew he was going on an errand for his parents, thought he'd be back by 6.30. Was musing that maybe, just maybe, at least the giant, suffocating mortgage would be paid off, when he came back.

He'd been to the auction house to pick up some furniture his mother had bought last week. It's a dangerously expensive addiction, buying things at auction.

I went up there a few weeks back and managed to get a beautiful Arts and Crafts oak sideboard for the dining room for £20. And then I bought Foxy Brown. Well, nobody wanted her, the bid went down to a fiver, I held my number up and then somehow the next bid was £30. Eh? Yer what? How did that happen - some sort of bid rigging I think. I ended up giving in to the auctioneer who was making comments like 'there's a lady that likes a bargain' and 'just one more bid? another five?' and paid £35. But she's a beauty. No fleas on foxy.

"Pretentious" said my sister, so I gave her (Foxy not sister) a little bow around her neck. Just sets off the ginger fur beautifully. And of course, what could be better than leopard print - turquoise leopard print?


Friday Apr 06 2007 08:51:34

Village Fate

Glorious morning, but whose idea was it to have Easter holidays? Had to separate the boy and the dog twice already this morning. I don't need to have an extra child, the one I've got picks a fight with the dog, the TV, any inanimate objects at hand instead of a sibling.

No alarm clock-rude awakening today, husband got up early and walked the dog for me (she's my dog so it's my job, especially when it's raining!) so I got a little lie in. But how depressing we're both finding it that as you get older (and do more gardening) you can't lie in because your back aches. Even a new expensive mattress has not cured that one! No rest for the wicked or the gardeners.

A lovely weekend planned just pottering around. The garden furniture comes out of a two-year retirement to a shed today. I'm dying to get the raised beds in place for the veg seedlings and sweet peas languishing in the cold frame. It's so gorgeous to have a proper home at last, there are still things in storage that we've largely forgotten about. Unpacking each box is like getting new things all over again. It's amazing what you forget about in two years.

The kitchen man is sending someone round for a look at ours in the morning (in exchange for a case of wine - fair deal) so I'll have to polish the perma-dust off the granite and hoover the dog hair up off the floor.

Easter Sunday means a leg of lamb. The one I've bought is so big it may have come from a giant mountain goat. No-one can decide what time they want dinner, or even if they want to come at all (anyone for a better offer?) so I'll have to nag to find out numbers today. My sister jokingly asked if I could plate it up and take it round to them in their garden meals-on-wheels stylee. So much for a family get-together. It's not so much they don't want feeding, it's just we're all terrified the sunny weekend may be the last for a while.

The little straw hen was a gift from my friend Kay last Saturday. It falls over, left to its own devices, so has to rest on the spoon that was unearthed while digging a hole for a tree. An old fashioned, silver plated tablespoon - I'd love to know how it got there and whose it was. Can't imagine farmworkers in our tumbledown house of yore using silver cutlery!

PS If anyone's doing the Coast to Coast walk - let me know and I'll make you a cup of tea on the way past! The walkers have started trooping through the village looking weary and causing havoc with cars (and milk lorries) driving too fast on the railway bridge.


Friday Apr 06 2007 13:31:48

Village Fate

An amazing discovery - potatoes have tummy buttons.

While sorting 6kg of Pentland Javelins into egg boxes to chit (to chit or not to chit? experts are divided) this morning, noticed that each tuber has a stumpy umbilical cord where it was attached to its mother plant.

Have persuaded husband to go and get the rotovator and start churning over the patch for the veg garden. Hurray!

Little fluffy ducklings, umbilical cords, I think I'm getting broody. She who doesn't like children. Must be those hormones.


Friday Apr 06 2007 21:27:03

Village Fate

So sorry, don't mean to go on and be one of those every five minutes bloggers, but did you see Christine's Garden tonight on BBC 2? Couldn't you just hug her? Don't you just love Reg and his smile? It's one of those simple, feel good programmes that is just perfect. Her comment at the end 'everyone can go and see a garden in the sunshine, but not everyone sees one in the rain when everything sparkles' was so pure and heartfelt.

Likewise, Monty Don on Gardener's World. To know he suffers from depression and to see the man's passion for the garden he's creating is wonderful. His book The Complete Gardener is my bible for creating our garden. Likewise Carol Klein and her veg. She has inspired me. And now I know Joe Swift's Dad is Hyacinth Bucket's husband it's so obvious!

Family fallings out round here today. Mentioned the leg of goat meal on Sunday (Sorry again, I really didn't mean to refer to an earlier blog so you'd have to trail back and look, so boring and tedious). The gist is, I invited Ma & Pa and sister and entire family (three kids aged 17-23 plus boyfriend of eldest). Heard nothing from sister. Ma annoyed she hasn't committed. Rang sister to check. Not coming, she says, also invited to In-laws on Monday and doesn't want go so can't come to ours as has had words with husband about it. Sister annoyed with our Ma & Pa for many and various reasons - all the usual stuff, you know how it is. They're not interested in her veg garden, nor my wall, much to her annoyance etc...

God! All I wanted was to see my family all in one place for a meal. Didn't mean to cause WW III. Have invited my own in-laws as well as my parents. They can discuss genius grandson and the Grannies can feed him as much chocolate as possible before dinner, and not stress when he eats no veg. And look at me like I'm neurotic when I stress cos he's eaten no veg.

MamaHen, I'm down at the bottom of the garden with you, eating worms.

I hope you like my forget me nots. Are being transplanted around the new weeping pear tomorrow. Tres picturesque.


Saturday Apr 07 2007 20:30:15

Village Fate

The kindness of the neighbours knows no bounds. Jerry next door (of Jerry and Margot, so obviously not his real name) donated three wheelbarrow-loads of plants to the empty borders appeal fund. Irises (three types), aquilegia, hardy geranium, peonies, hellebores, thistley things, all healthy and lovely and now planted in our nursery bed, awaiting borders being prepared.

Today we made the raised beds for the veg. Inspired by last night's Gardener's World, we recycled oak beams from the part of the house that was pulled down a year ago (FWAG man said we could have got £100+ each for them, but never mind - also £2 each for the Georgian bricks we've used to make paths), old roof joists from our house and in-laws house and scaffolding boards nicked from the Stella Artois-fuelled scaffolders who in turn had nicked my topiary box balls in lead-look cylinders. Bustards.

Off to pick up some horse poo in the morning from husband's (henceforth called the Tall One, cos he is. Very.) work colleague, the saintly Sarah (I love her because she takes all the daytime flak, thus reducing the amount of moaning I have to put up with on an evening). Not for the potatoes though, says my sister, who is donating a no-longer-needed massive trampoline (hurrah!) to the bored nephew appeal fund. Will admire her giant and much more professional veg beds (she's très riche) to make up for the fact that Mum hasn't.

Have gone a bit overboard on the Easter egg front. A hunt will take place at the crack of dawn. Hopefully I'll be awake just before the crack to place eggs all around. In bird bath, in fork of plum tree etc. Now have to write clues. Child genius has a plethora of little foil wrapped eggs to hunt out, and myriad toys also. I can't help myself, little soft bear from M&S, Playmobil mini magnetic sets (x3, I was out of control in the shop, but I feel I'll have to retain a couple for future bribery purposes), WRVS Wind in the Willows charity mini soft toys from the Halifax in town. The hunt will culminate with a large Elizabeth Shaw mints egg (strange adult tastes in one so young). My son, spoilt? I think so. And we're meant to be skint - I've had to hide most of these from the Tall One but I'll be outed in the morning.

Well, knackered and aching, I crawl off to my bath in the Roman sarcophagus we call our 'posh' bath. I have asked that, when we extend (we haven't even finished the original bit yet), I might have a lovely little slipper bath to call my own. Tall One pointed out that by the time we can afford to extend I will need a bath with a door. Or a hoist. Hmm.

Couldn't photograph the forget-me-nots in their new place as they all wilted in the sun and look dreadful. Hope they will perk up, have watered them relentlessly. Here's the bleeding heart from my last garden, a promise of things to very shortly come.

Happy Easter all, hope the Bunny's kind to you.


Sunday Apr 08 2007 08:18:05

Village Fate

After a sleepless night worrying about being the Easter Bunny, and thinking my blog last night made me sound totally profligate and my son utterly, horribly spoilt, I have had a wonderful morning.

He woke at 6.45 and tiptoed into our room, eager to go outside.
'Just watch TV for ten minutes while I walk the dog so she won't chase you round and find any eggs first. OK?'
'OK Mummy, but take her up the lane, don't let her go in the garden!'

His absolute faith and earnest little face was very heartwarming. So the dog and I tiptoed around the garden hiding tiny foil wrapped eggs in plant pots and in the branches of trees. A couple of small treats (I put the rest in the birthday gift drawer) and the one large egg up the plum tree and that was it. A modest stash, but he's thrilled. I loved to see his wonder at the Easter Bunny's kindness.

And the best thing, we're going to collect the manure in an hour or so, my friend Sarah has a little grand-daughter and my kind boy has chosen a clutch of his eggs to put in a little paper basket for her. I am suitably proud that he has chosen to share so freely. He has even offered to share the Elizabeth Shaw mints out after dinner this evening. I actually think Grandpa and Grandad would make perilously short work of them so he'd be better keeping those to himself!

Have a lovely day everyone, remember to stop eating chocolate before it actually makes you sick!

Love, Kitty x

PS, Lovely kind comments as usual, thanks. I think the spotty eggs or little nests are much more in keeping with the spirit of Easter, to my eternal dismay I fall prey to the commercialism of these festivals every time. Simplicity is key, the little familiar rituals are what will be remembered as special long after the sugar rush dies down!


Sunday Apr 08 2007 21:37:42


Village Fate

A lovely day. Since I last blogged we seem to have done more than a day's worth of things.

Shovelled horsey poo on and off a pick-up. Bounced on the trampoline (I feel the gravitational pull may bring on a self-induced hysterectomy if I'm not careful. Must engage pelvic floor. Zip, tuck and engage. it's what all that Pilates is for!). Dug over veg beds, planted new seedlings of cowslips and primroses stolen from sister's garden, made dinner (fab leg of mountain goat/giant lamb), eaten dinner, drank lots yet still strangely sober.

My face looks like a schoolboy's knee. Gorgeous son and I were having a race to the trampoline when I somehow found myself crumpling towards the ground. Scrubbed face along the mud, so now I have a cut under my chin, grazed upper lip (as if the un-Jolened 'tache isn't bad enough) and a bruised browbone over left eye. A good look. Goes with the cake-listening burn to cheekbone near right eye. I'm a real looker, me. I blame the tumble on the gardening clogs. And for the record, I fell over, I did not 'have a fall'. That's what old people do and it's all too Alan Bennett for me yet. And I had NOT been drinking!

And for those who may think I just swan around in (Tesco) cashmere from my recent comments on another blog, let me paint a picture of today's wardrobe choices. Aforementioned gardening clogs (navy blue plastic) replaced green wellies at around lunchtime. Old cords with Copydex glue on them (it's the glue that smells, not me), jumper donated by a friend - bobbly under arms, t-shirt that somehow had not come off since last night in bed when it was a bit cold. As I was shovelling horse manure this morning, did not see sense in changing out of 7am dog-walking gear. Didn't in fact look in the mirror until my face was covered in mud.

After a hot bubbly bath (bless my husband - took pity on pitiful me), changed into Tesco smart jeans, Matalan Minnie Mouse style spotty summer blouse (too tight over bust, which mercifully didn't hit the ground, always the worry they may pop!) and New Look shoes (espadrille wedges, SO last semester, darling). No makeup, face too raw/sore. But thank goodness for Beauty Ed job and a new sample of By Terry foundation pen/brush thingy. Will come in useful in the days to come!

Off to bed now, exhausted from day's shenanigans. Whatever next?


Monday Apr 09 2007 13:01:32

Village Fate

I have a neanderthal eyebrow today. Just the one. After the calamities of yesterday I am walking gingerly today.

And typing gingerly - now wondering, along with others on the site, why we get attacked for writing our own workaday blogs. Nothing of great excitement happens, but sometimes something marvellous or funny is worth sharing. Or if you're feeling blue, a quick blog and someone or other cheers you up.

Each to their own and I suppose everyone is entitled to their say, good or bad, passionate or quotidian, kind or cruel (though easy on the cruel please, I'm a sensitive soul and cry at the slightest criticism).

Here's the plum blossom that I photographed yesterday morning when the sky was so blue it felt like I was in Greece. Until I turned round and saw the new crack in the new render. Ah. New worry.


Tuesday Apr 10 2007 09:33:31
Village Fate

I was born in a seaside town, took years of elocution lessons, moved to the big city to get a job, came to the country to get married.

The one thing this has left me with is a strange accent. Seaside accent was pure Teesside (we're known as monkey hangers). Elocution drummed out the flat vowels. Next to the big city, a touch of Geordie - when I arrived I really couldn't understand a word the assistants in John Lewis spoke, never mind the taxi drivers! Down to the midlands and another job, eyup me duck y'aaarite? And now ee by gum, I'm in't country reet and proper.

My husband, the tall one, has never left Yorkshire (except for holidays). Imagine his confusion when I booked him an appointment at my hairdresser and the lovely girl (pure Teesside) said 'Iyaer! Howee over 'ere.'
'That means hello, follow me, come this way' I whispered. He looked utterly bewildered.

The rogue plasterer who worked on our house last year unwittingly told me the funniest story - it made my week. We were discussing 'going out' a local preoccupation. 'Where do you go out then?'

'Oh, we don't really much, not very often any more, I'm too old for pub crawls now.' I admitted.
Plasterer obviously felt he needed to up the ante to keep my interest.
'I reely like that restaurant, Lord's' he said. 'Me and our kid [brother] took our lasses their. it was dead nice. There was this bloke in a suit at the door saying 'owee in' and everything.'

At this point my eyes were almost watering and it was all I could do to stop myself bursting out laughing. I had a mental picture of Stephen Fry as Jeeves, standing at the door of this Country House hotel and restaurant, ushering in the fab foursome and murmuring 'Good Evening, Ladies, Gentlemen. Howee In.'

There's a marked divide in restaurants around here. You can tell whether the customers are from the more industrial towns to the north (ladies v. glam, lots of jewellery and heels, chaps with shirt hanging out) or Yorkshire (chaps in cords, red socks and pink shirts, ladies Boden and loafers).

At the county show last year I was talking to a young girl in Dubarry boots, designer jeans, a Joules polo top and the inevitable leather cowboy hat. She quite transparently wanted a red-socks type to finance her horse habit. 'Good God, all these townies!' She decried 'Eating burgers and showing too much flesh.' I could see what she meant, that divide was there again. But it's the influx of 'townies' coming to see the boring County Show that in fact keeps it going year after year. There just aren't enough country folk to fill the showground it seems. The Hunt came into the arena with the hounds baying and horns tooting and my lovely new friend's eyes shone, she was almost breathless as she tossed her blonde hair about and made eyes at the men. 'That's my friend Greg!' she squealed, 'a car dealer, got himself the most super horse and joined in!' This townie, it seemed passed muster because he had a handsome grey mare, a giant horsebox, a Chelsea tractor and a twinkle in his eye. Double standards ahoy!

(The girl in the cowboy hat got her man. The rake from the Hunt introduced her to a short, portly chap with red socks, cream cords and a tattersall shirt. They clicked. They're now in London, he's trying his hand in the city. She's biding her time until a particularly juicy bonus and daddy-in-law's sad demise means they can buy an estate and some horsies. And then she'll probably run off with another rake from another local hunt.) I sound cynical, but this gorgeous girl is straight out of Jilly Cooper or Veronica Henry!

Here's a pic of Primula Denticulata. And thanks for the nice comments about my photos. No skill involved, just a good camera and lots of pretty flowers!

Sorry, it's a long one. Hope you managed to stay awake.


Tuesday Apr 10 2007 17:32:16

Village Fate

Now that MaidofKent's Little Puss is back home safe and well, thank goodness, I feel I can fill you in my 'another dead cat in the river' saga.

I think the farmer up the lane must be shooting wild cats and throwing the bodies in the river. Or else they're all going fishing and fall in. The last one was black and white, this one's grey, and I know they have grey farm cats up there because my neighbour's got two beautiful fat ones that were rescued as kittens from one of the barns.

What do I do? I can't accuse the man of shooting cats. He's a great farmer, very neat and tidy, lovely farm, keeps all the permissive footpaths in order, plays by the rules. But how many cats must I stand and worry about? This is the third in as many months. Another died, probably of poisoning, in a box in our kitchen, not making it until the morning when the vets opened.

I'm not a huge cat fan after having two black and white beauties (Stan and Ollie) that constantly had fleas and regurgitated worms on my kitchen worktops (there I go with the vomit again) - and before anyone says it, they had their injections, were microchipped and regularly wormed and de-flead with expensive stuff from the Vet. Ollie got into a fight, got an infected leg, the vet couldn't seem to cure it and he had to be put down eventually after many and expensive drugs. Stan ran away constantly, and has now turned up on my friend's parents' farm (after a three year absence) and lives happily in a barn under an assumed name. Stan is now 'Mr Smith'.

So as you can see I am wary of cats, they and I don't seem to gel. But so many dead ones? Is this some sort of divine retribution? Help!

Fritilaria Meleagris - snakeshead fritilary (not sure that spelling's right) photographed last April 21st at Holker Hall, Grange-over-Sands, Cumbria. Beautiful. And breathe...


Wednesday Apr 11 2007 17:48:05

Village Fate

Warning - this blog has no wholesome country message, deals with kids, choc, money and wine. And horse manure.

I have been very brave today. I let my son go on his first solo bike ride to the village - across the crossroads - gasp! He's 7 and as he said, he's an old boy now.

I stood on the doorstep peering down the lane muttering 'stick to the left, no, the left, slow down a bit, now sto-o-op.' And then he was gone. No squealing of brakes, no awful crunch. He stopped, looked, listened. All was well. It reminded me of his first day at school when I stood in the front garden of our house (opposite the tiny village school in our old village) at playtime and lunchtime, listening for his cry, just in case.

Can you tell I'm the mother of an only child? Neuroses-R-us. I didn't dare have a glass of wine to calm the nerves in case the newspaper headlines ran 'Wino Mother of hit-and-run boy's Shame'. (Can you tell I'm a frustrated tabloid journalist too?) So I scoffed three mini Bounties in succession. Like I had Bulimia but without the Vomiting (Ha! knew I'd get it in! Tasteless, but it feels good.)

Anyway, he came back in one piece, had gone as far as the church and turned round, had a poke at the squidgy fungus on the tree stump on the green, and now he's exploring the badger set. Now listening for growls and squeals. Serve 'im right.

A good day - nice lady in the local family department store told me Boy didn't need new school shoes or trainers - £60 saved!. Slight hitch is I'll have to clean them both now before Monday.

His worrying rash around his ears is good old prickly heat and not horrid old eczema, serves me right for getting his hair cut and then sending him out in the sun without a hat. New hat (from Fat Face so he'd actually want to wear it) - £14.50, boo! But, passing the veg stall on the market at 3pm there were all kinds of bargains to be had - four bags full for £9.70. Unsure of provenance of most of it, but such a bargain and supporting a local business and market, so not TOO bad.

And I've had to backtrack on the veg bed and un-shovel manure as carrots and parsnips don't like it. Hard work in the sun but will be worth it when we're eating our own veg. Sarah Raven's course notes from the 'Veg for Beginners' day I went on last year are priceless gems. Worth every penny of my sister's money (she bought me the course for Christmas, told you she was tres riche). She has the signed hardback book, of course she does.

This is my mud-flat garden with the partially-broken rotovator (belonged to husband's grandfather) and the 1970s rescued from a building site Dumper Truck that is stranded because the steering's gone and nobody has fixed it yet. It's directly underneath the washing line so you have to hoist the sheets really really high. However, makes a good place to put peg bucket and washing basket so will miss it when it's gone in a strange kind of way. Picturesque, no? Erm, no.


Thursday Apr 12 2007 19:26:05

Village Fate

Little Britain is happening in our village hall tonight! We've just been for a walk down to the in-laws' to get some garden tools still stored in their stable since the moves, and there's a 'do' on at the hall.

Thought it was W.I. at first, but some old chaps there too. There they all were...Marjorie Dawes, Vomiting (yay!) old ladies, flutey hotel owner, Bubbles de Vere. They're all there! And then out walked an old chap with a vast paunch (even bigger than mine) in a nylon polo shirt, sweepover hairdo, big thick glasses and mouth hanging open with flabby tongue on show. Andy or Lou? Don't know which one's which. All we need is a Gay. (He would be the only one, as far as I know). And the smell of the food emanating, pure old folks' home. How do they do that with normal food?

This is why I'm anonymous. I'm sure anyone local could work out who I am if they could be bothered, but I wouldn't be able to do this if my cover were blown. I'm Kitty to you (and starting to be Kitty to me to, especially when I have another blogging dream, scary) but someone else to the rest of the world!

Today a nice lady brought a case of Chianti (wine - strike 2) to the door. On behalf of the kitchen man. Payment for me whoring out the kitchen to prospective punters. Chianti was the wine my husband and I drank on our first proper holiday after we got married. He had never drunk wine before (bit girly for a Yorkshireman) but the Amalfi coast seduced him into being a sophisticate for a week(!) No socks with his loafers and everything.

I asked him at lunchtime whether I should cook a meal that reminded us of that holiday to eat with the wine. 'Veal' he said. Veal? I had forgotten, but every time the hotel put any sort of meat other than chicken on the menu it was described as veal. So we're having veal, well, minestrone soup, but it does have bacon/veal in it. Takes us back nine years. All together now, aah!

Pic is of the cherry blossom which erupted in the night. I looked out of the window in the dark, hoping to spy the badgers or the very noisy vixen, instead saw what looked like cotton wool scattered in the tree. Beautiful.

No choc, no kids, no money, no fluff - am I doing better?


Friday Apr 13 2007 08:33:48

Village Fate

The fog has come down in the night and enveloped us. But it's breathtakingly beautiful out there. I got the camera out at 7am to try and get a few shots. Here's the oak tree in the bonfire field across the river from our garden. It was still in full leaf on November 5th for the second year running. Global warming?

The blossom on the Japanese cherry is like popcorn, I've decided. One minute it's not there and then 'pop' it just seems to explode into bloom.

Last day of the Easter holidays, have to say I regret we haven't done more - we're so obsessed with the garden. The boy has been cross and lazy a lot. He's bored mindless as there aren't any boys his age in the village. He climbs trees, digs holes, cruises around on his bike, bounces on the trampolene and explores but it's not the same without a friend. I hoped a trusty dog by his side would cheer him up but she just annoys him. Spoils his games. Bad mother alert.

He's had a couple of bike rides with granny to see the lambs and piglets down the lane, has seen lambs just an hour old and watched them on their wobbly legs. Seen the Large White sows digging mud holes with their snouts to lie down in and snore. The little white piglets with pink ears charging about and squeaking 'wee wee wee', all the way home.

We've had a bonfire and several picnics in the garden, have dug up all sorts of 'treasure' and sat for hours at the top of the field waiting for the shrews and voles to make an appearance. We've watched for water voles and mink, seen minnows, and an invasion of little black spiders in the field.

So maybe we've done enough. Maybe when he gets back to school there'll be enough tales to tell from our garden and riverbank. Maybe we didn't need to get in the car and spend money to validate the day. Maybe I'm doing all right after all.


Saturday Apr 14 2007 21:03:58

Village Fate

Phew - what a 36 hours since last blog! Bad mother vibes were strong until Granny of little boy who goes to The Boy's old school (he lives in last village, Granny lives in our present village -I know, complicated) called to say did I have a boy at a loose end? YES!

So Little Lord Fauntleroy came to play. He's a floppy-blond-haired angel of a six year old (and as such not so young he's uncool), his mother used to dress him in a quaintly of-yesteryear manner (tweed, velvet and plus twos), hence the name. LLF was having boiled eggs and soldiers for lunch, my husband was quizzing him about his recent trip to France.

"St Tropez was lovely, thank you. We bought a yacht."
Gulp. I almost dropped the plate I was washing up. Now we knew they were second home hunting, and then going on to Switzerland to third home hunt, to rent out, you understand. But a yacht. I was quite unprepared for this.
"Oh, it's lovely, it has a fly deck - you can drive it from the top as well as inside. And a place with sunbeds and tables and chairs."
"And can you sleep on it too?" I ventured.
"Yes, and it has crew quarters at the back."

Oh. How the other half lives, eh? Mother gardens in a full complement of pear-shaped diamonds. They live in A Hall. They go on holiday a LOT.

He and my Boy are great friends, the sort that never quarrel or disagree. They get on so well, maybe because they see each other so infrequently. They have played together this morning too. So lucky that Boy hasn't asked for a yacht for his birthday. Yet.

Today's picture, taken by my husband, is of part of the new path we made today, all three of us. In the middle is a pattern of stones. Our Boy had the idea we should each put into the path something we treasured (ok, nobody vomit please - see, I slip it in every time, it's my trademark now. Nice.)

So he found a fossil that was very special to him and put it in the mortar. Husband, after looking nonplussed for a while found a heart-shaped stone I picked up on a walk and gave to him, and I chose a stone from the beach at Crackington Haven in Cornwall.

It's striped black and white, and I held in in my hand a lot at the end of the holiday when we found out, much to our shock, and I'm sorry to say, horror, I was pregnant. We weren't ready for a baby. Our life together was still young and exciting, there was so much to do yet. That stone was like a worry bean.

And to imagine what life would have been like without our boy. Much less rich. The lessons we learn.

And that's all the riches I want.


Monday Apr 16 2007 11:49:01
Village Fate

After yesterday's heat and sunshine, the usual foggy start has led to an overcast day, which to be honest is a bit of a relief. If it's sunny I have no choice but to go outside. It feels just wrong, wrong, wrong to be inside on such a lovely day.

Hence, the house is grimy from top to bottom, and messy too, and there's an ironing pile of gargantuan proportions. A bit of hard work awaits me (and a trashy DVD while I iron, Moonstruck or You've Got Mail) and will hopefully pull me out of this narky slump I'm in. I blame the hormones as usual.

Am going with my sister to see Sarah Raven at Newby Hall (where they filmed that recent Jane Austen thing with Billie-eyebrows-Piper) on Wednesday to learn about how to do a cutting garden. Looking forward to getting mine going, but will have to be all from things I can direct sow as I don't have a greenhouse, and there are loads of things above it on the list!

The veg garden's coming along nicely but I feel I may have just opened a rabbit restaurant, so am keeping a close watch.

Yesterday a kind neighbour let my husband coppice a willow tree of his so we can sink the sticks into the top of the river bank - most will root and hold the bank together, may help when it floods. Sight of husband carrying a huge bundle of willow along the road tied with bailer band was like something out of a nursery rhyme book.

Toxic neighbours from down the lane were on hand with a snide comment. I have been a very tolerant, understanding friend to them both, and her daughter, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a marriage guidance counsellor at times, but I am becoming worn down by the constant smart remarks and sarcasm. We used to enjoy their company, but since we came back to the village the dynamic has changed, and instead of living opposite them in a tiny house, we now live up the hill in a bigger house, which we have spent a long time and a lot of hard work on. And yes, a lot of (borrowed) money. They come and inspect from time to time but never ever say anything encouraging or kind. They are quick to point out the faults and what's still to do.

They give materially (way too generous birthday gifts etc) much to our embarrassment, but what they want in return is a big commitment of proving friendship through favours etc. Thinking automatically I will make the new curtains when I don't have time to do my own, or I will ice that birthday cake for her work colleague, when I don't even get time to make my husband one. And if I say no, sorry, they're not suited.

I need to let it go. And keep them at arm's length in the nicest way possible.

I'm going on and am maudlin. Anyone know something funny to cheer me up? Going to scrub the kitchen clean as therapy.


Monday Apr 16 2007 21:11:02

Village Fate

Just a little thank you. Nothing too strenuous to read. You lot are stars, I was feeling a little grim earlier, a bit sad about some bad friends, and you all gave me reasons to be cheerful and made me smile.

ChickenLicken, so true - my real friends are proud of us for all the hard work and the lovely home we've created from a nasty old wreck. They love our house (even without skirting boards and curtains) and say so. And yes, I don't need bad friends cos I do have you lot now, and a lot more supportive you are too!

MamaHen, you are so funny. I just imagine your children squabbling over the Bible and I giggle. I take my hat off to you, I really do.

Muddy Boots, yes I need ice cream. And I'll get some of yours soon by hook or by crook.

Suffolkmum, Countrymousie, Eden, Little Brown Dog, Poll, Camilla, Milla, UPL/MG, Pondside, Blossom, exmoorjane, Cait, elizabethm, tomlin, Milly, everyone else who has been so kind and I've missed out (sorry, don't have a very retentive memory)...

Thanks everyone who responded today with support. Everyone is invited for tea and homemade lemon cake.

If we ever do have a get-together I will be hugging so many people, so those with personal space issues steer clear. I will wear a t-shirt bearing my name (or pseudonym) so you can run away or hug back as the mood takes you.

Big hugs to you all. My virtual friends. (No I haven't been drinking - it's genuwine!)

And take a look at this mad dandelion - a threesome!


Tuesday Apr 17 2007 14:38:07
Village Fate

Had the once over from the outrageously flirty and jittery optometrist this morning. Ooh Missus. Prescription hasn't changed but giant sunglasses need new lenses. He suggests I have them strengthened against scratched judging by the state they're in. (I can't help falling over so much, sorry.) And they're curved, and blah blah £122 please. What? And then he tries to lure me to the bling cabinet again.

Oh no, Mr. Not this time. I'm off. And those glasses had better be back before next Tuesday because I'm going to London on Wednesday and can't think of doing such without my beloved sunglasses. And can you tighten them so they once again fulfill their all important second use as an Alice band please? (Ok, yes, I'm a part-time Sloane. I've got pashminas and everything. And I wear pearls.)

So, excitement afoot - Sarah Raven tomorrow, hoorah! Lunch with glass of wine included in ticket price so will be asleep during second part of talk no doubt. And have booked train ticket for London next week. Am going to stay with husband's maiden aunt (she's the best fun maiden aunt I've ever met, drinks like a fish!) and we're going to the theatre and to dinner. Hoorah again! Double excitement. Am going to have a mad dash to The Conran shop for a couple of cushions and to Liberty for some towels and soap, and a general wander through my favourite shop in the world. I won't have much time but I will fit in everything important. Such fun.

So today I am once again happy. Thankfully my black spells are ever only grey, and are easily lifted by little, but important, things like all your kind words.

Planting brussels sprouts (yuk) in veg garden this evening as Sister insists on it. She says we have to have some for Christmas day. So they can keep the caulis company and the newly planted seeds of the various broccoli. I found a white feather on the side of my wet wellington this morning after coming in from inspecting the veg beds - is that my gardening angel? Something's keeping the rabbits away, either an angel or the vicious hawthorne prunings I've put all over to stop them and the pigeons eating all my seedlings.

Today's pic - fantastic tulips. Don't know what variety, I always call them rhubarb and custard, They come up flamed yellow and turn red and white.


Thursday Apr 19 2007 10:49:36
Village Fate

Bonjour my blogging companions, I am now in receipt of all knowledge needed to start a cutting garden.

Sarah Raven's course was marvellous yesterday. A lovely setting, lovely Sarah, lovely plants, lovely lovely lovely. A lovely expensive shop at the end and a big bag of gladioli, dahlias and seeds. And a blue Iranian jug to arrange the flowers in when I've grown them. London spending money all spent up now. Oops.

So, now to sow, plant and hope for the best.

Sister was very well behaved, insisted we went in her car (shiny new Mercedes sports car) not mine (muddy old Honda Civic) and even lent me a Boden cardy as I was cold. Fitted in just perfectly with the crowd!

I got dressed yesterday, came downstairs and husband stared and my legs, gesticulated with his spoon in their general direction and asked 'What's going on here then?' I had bravely (for me) tried the dress over trousers combo for the first time. Ditsy navy floral shirt dress, navy cropped cigarette pants, navy and white espadrille wedges. See, I'm only about two years behind the trends. I thought it looked quite good. Mortified I looked to Boy for a second opinion. 'Mummy you look very nice, like Elliott's Mum.' he said. Elliott's mum is trendy. And eight months pregnant but I'm almost sure that's not what he meant. "A bit weird" was husband's verdict. A great confidence boost there then. Cheers.

Here is some blossom on my desk. Blue pot is from Tesco (£1!), not the new one (much more than £1!).


Thursday Apr 19 2007 13:43:01

Village Fate

I was worried when I saw the short list and realised I only knew the words of one blogger on it, so I've been back to look at the other two.

I had never read Harmonie's work - but remembered Aly's blogs once I saw the titles, and I liked the work of both writers. The one thing all three shortlisted writers have in common is what some of the rest of us lack (and it causes niggles from time to time). Serious Country Themes. Not 'reams about snotty kids' (I quote henrycat, these words posted as a comment on one of the above blogs).

Here, we find, the unwritten rules again - beloved by chickenix. No kids, no illnesses, no spouses, no mood swings, no wine, chocolate or vomit. Just hens, cottages, moles, sheep, B&Bs, green issues.

We all touch on these things now and then, but it seems what CL were looking for was unbridled Countrying for their pages. That's an article with a specific brief, not a blog. The three shortlisted have all the ability to understand what's required and write to suit - perhaps that is exactly their style, to the point, on-brief.

Our daily diaries of country life are what we want to write - and what I want to read here on the site. It's a relationship thing that wouldn't sit well on the pages of the magazine because it's too personal. So I'll keep on blogging because it's addictive and I find it therapeutic, and for those of you kind enough to read my fluffy guff and post comments, thanks again. I hope I can continue to read the blogs of my favourites and keep up with your lives, kids, spouses, dogs, illnesses, mood swings, hens, sheep, moles and all!

Friday Apr 20 2007 09:51:04

This is all so awful. Everyone's going. What was a warm and accepting place has become cold and alien. If you all take the warm and accepting stuff elsewhere will someone email me and let me know? My email's on the chatroom (I last posted under smallholding: scooting dogs). And then you'll find my real name's not lovely country Kitty but dreadful middle-aged till I die Caroline.

I am feeling quite tearful at all of this. Hugely disappointing from CL. I will not buy the mag again. As Frances said, and I second completely - this blogging thing has made me lose interest in the magazine itself. And how!

I hope if you all go I'll still be allowed in your gang. I feel like I'm back at school and skirting the edge of the in-crowd, hoping someone will give me an 'in'

I'm forgetting about paid-for writing in general now, this has knocked my confidence again so dreadfully. Not because I wasn't chosen, more for being so wildly off-target.

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

On the Disneyfication of Cornwall

Falling out of love with the book, so off-book writing today. An article destined for somewhere or other, haven't decided who gets it yet:


A sign appeared on the road from the RAF airbase into town, just before the Duchess of Wessex was due to arrive. Welcome to our town northallerton THE HEART OF NORTH YORKSHIRE, it proclaimed.

It is under-planted winsomely with primula and pansy and features a silhouetted skyline of the town centre; landmarks - none; chimneys - many. I keep expecting Dick Van Dyck to appear in silhouette. Maybe I'll draw him on, with Mary Poppins hovering under her brolly, feet turned out ten-to-two. And while I'm at it, I'll put a capital letter at the beginning of Northallerton. For it is a town, a Proper Noun, a place name.

I can just imagine the council wondering what to waste our council tax on next "I know," says a middle aged guy with a paunch and a shiny polyester suit from Burtons circa 1994: "Let's reinvent the town, let's get the image consultants in."

The image consultants invite the boring civil servants to a meeting. They have packet sandwiches and talk about blue-skying ideas, running them up the flagpole, no-brainers, exciting new concepts. They have a Power-Point presentation. They have a flip chart and new pencils each. In a nutshell, for those of us ho weren't invited: Forget grammar and bugger the Queen's English and just drop capitals willy nilly like you're naming a wine bar. But then add random capitalisation elsewhere like you're alternatively embarrassed and shouting.

Our town is not a brand, not a trendy wine bar or a clothes shop. It is simply a market town in North Yorkshire, the administrative captial of a large county, and while populated mainly by people involved in agriculture, it does not make us so dull we need pepping up with a bit of brand management. Nor so stupid we don't notice bad grammar.

I encountered something similar in Cornwall. I had promised my son a lucky piskie to put in his pocket when he underwent his SATs. Piskie? Pixie? "Where are all the pixies?" I asked my friend, a self-confessed Cornish girl born and raised, after four days' fruitless searching.

She helpfully advised me it was the backlash against the perceived Disneyfication of Cornwall. They wouldn't want people to think it was all pasties and pixies, oh no. So no pixies then (still a fair few pasties, I notice, but less eating them in the street than in Stockton-on-Tees where it is the local past-time, children are weaned on corned beef pasties). What next? I rant. No haggis or kilts or shortbread or whisky in Scotland? No leprechauns or Guinness or shamrocks or whiskey in Ireland? No leeks and dragons and funny black hats in Wales? No puddings in Yorkshire? No buns in Bath? No pork pies in Melton Mowbray? I could go on (and on and on...)

In a time when we are jealously guarding our foodie heritage and putting AOC-type labels on regional specialities with gay abandon, our tourist boards and councils are wasting time and money and effort dumbing down regional variety and character with their ham-fisted bureaucracy running wild.

It's not Disneyficiation, it's years of lore and legend and tradition and tales and quirks specific to each place, be it a country, a county, city, town or village. Stamped out by people looking for a 'project', something to validate their wages, short hours, long holidays, boundless expense claims and hours idling by the coffee machine with Wendy from Accounts, or Gavin from IT, as the case may be.

Rant over. I'm cross. I may even write to hambleton district council or even north yorkshire county council or perhaps william hague about this. Just as I'm trying to teach my seven year old son the rudiments of grammar and the peculiarities of our lovely language, it's all stuffed up for me. And these signs are now on every road in and out of the town now, not solely for Sophie's benefit then, I wonder if she noticed?

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

Writer's block

I am hoping the holiday will get my creative juices flowing as at the moment they're all bunged up and nothing but absolute rubbish will come out. I have typed a few pieces and then just deleted them, but I am taking my notebook with me and will scribble as and when I can. I think my head needs clearing of all the nonsense that's in there at the moment. A new start! A clean slate!

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea - if I don't or can't keep it up I will feel like a failure, won't I? Hmm. The things we do.

Monday, 21 May 2007

Another Perspective

Today choose a favourite biblical or literary story or a fable or fairytale. Pick another character who appears in the story and tell it through his or her eyes.

Monday 21st May 2007

Why the boy cried wolf:
Because he was lonely
Because he wanted his mother
Because he had ADHD
Because he was naughty
Because he was bored
Because he wanted attention

I'm having a dry spell... words aren't coming out. Will rethink this tomorrow. A more inspiring story would help - will have to look at Grimm or Andersen.

Saturday, 19 May 2007

Piece by Piece

Today start writing with no thought about what form the material will take, Or, select material you already have and try it out in another form. Pick from short story, poem, essay, performance monologue, creative non-fiction, children's story.

Saturday 19th May 2007

Vera:
I can see the Home Help in her car outside the flat, chatting on her mobile phone. It's a little red car and it's dirty. Some hope of her keeping my front room clean if she can't even wash her own car, lazy trollop. They're all the same, these women, with names like Sandra and Carol. Badly cut hair, ill-fitting jeans, dish-pan hands. No idea how to clean a room properly. The council sends them one after the other. She won't clean the windows right, either. They can't go up ladders to dust the top of the curtains. Won't change the winter velvets for summer chintz. Won't do this, can't do that. How am I supposed to have pride in my home if they won't help me?
She's laughing now, throwing her head back and showing her teeth. A friend, then, or maybe she's flirting. Not her husband. I've seen him in the corner shop. He's a lout. All stained vest and tins of strong lager. He couldn't make her laugh like that. Someone else, she's blushing. I can see that even through the nets. Trollop.

Trish:
The phone rang as I pulled up outside the old lady's flat. I dread going in, the constant criticism, she follows me round looking out for mistakes, a bit missed, a smear of windolene. She once even put a tenner under the hearth rug. A test, you see. I handed it back and she was furious. I could have done with that tenner but my job's not worth it. Our Tony's out of work again, we're up against it. He was ringing to say he's seen a job in the paper, he'd rung for an interview and was going this afternoon. He read out a story about a man from some eastern European country who'd tried to rob a bank and queued in his balaclava, too stupid to push to the front. I laughed and laughed till I was pink in the face. Tony can tell a good story, he always cracks me up, he has done since we were fifteen and started going out after school. He works hard, he's been doing a bit of painting on the side for Mr Jones at number 30, just upstairs from here. A little bit of cash. Mr Jones is on his own now since Betty died. Tony feels sorry for him and sometimes takes him a few beers, sits and has a chat for some company. He's a good man, my Tony. Well, I'd better get in and see what Mrs Pearce wants doing today. She doesn't even know my name, or pretends she doesn't. You can't feel sorry for someone like her, she's bad to the core. Bitter. I keep going though, because all the other girls have been scared off. There's only me puts up with the old bat.

Vera:
Here she comes, that woman. I think I'll complain to the council again. She was sitting there a full five minutes before she decided to come in. That's five minutes she could have been washing my ornaments. She's bright and loud, that woman. Too cheerful. Too much chat. She could be getting on with something instead of chatting to me. I don't want her company, I want her to clean. She can warm up that pie I bought in Tesco before she goes, and put a few peas on with it. I'm going to drop some money in her bag - then she'll have to steal it. They won't send her back then. She smells of bleach, I can't stand it. I'm going to ask for someone new.

Trish:
I tried to cheer Mrs Pearce up. I chatted about the weather and Tony's sweet peas, I said I'd take her a bunch next week, make the place smell a bit better maybe. And I told about some of her neighbours, friends of my Mam's that she might know, just how they were getting on, you know. I know she must be lonely and she doesn't go far, but she doesn't want to know. Just wants to stay inside, twitching the nets, stroking that awful cat. The cat has fleas again. I brought some drops from the pet shop and squeezed them onto his skinny neck when Mrs Pearce was in the bathroom, checking I'd done the taps properly. Poor old lady, she has bites on her legs and they look sore. She thinks it's shingles. I daren't tell her it's fleas or she'll go mad. I might mention it to the supervisor, the health visitor should look at them.

Vera:
The house is too quiet now. The cat smells funny, and there's a greasy patch on his neck. Maybe some cleaning liquid fell onto him when that woman was here yesterday. I rang the council and complained. I told them she was late and is having an affair with someone. I told them her husband drinks. I told them she steals. I told them I don't want their help any more, I'd rather get by alone. She wouldn't even warm my pie, I'll do it myself later. It's been there three days now, it'll spoil if I don't get it eaten.
A health visitor came by, said I've got an ulcer on my leg, I can't see properly so how was I to know? She said the cat rubbing against it was making it worse. I should keep it covered up. She stole from me too. I tucked a five pound note into her coat pocket when she hung it on the back of the kitchen door. She didn't give it back. She left bandages and sticky white tape. I threw them out. I don't want her charity. Meddling so-and-so. Do-gooders, all of them. I'm not going to answer the door next time.

Trish:
There was only me, Tony and the health visitor at the crematorium. No family, no friends. So sad. She wouldn't have me back after the incident with the pie. She asked me to warm it up and I told her I wasn't allowed to heat food - rules and regulations get me down, they spoil everything. I offered to slice it onto a plate, it was chicken and ham, would have been nicer cold. I offered to rinse a bit of lettuce, slice a tomato and some cucumber, make a nice lunch. But no, she would do it herself. She glared at me and shouted at me to leave. She must have turned on the gas and forgotten to light it. Mr Jones upstairs smelt gas at ten o'clock and called the gas board, but it was too late. She had a weak heart, the doctor said, she had infections in the bites on her legs, she wasn't long for this world anyway. But I'm sad she's gone. She was an old battleaxe but she was just a sad, lonely woman. Outside in the bright sun, Mr Jones was waiting by the wall. He'd always admired Vera, he said, a feisty woman, a looker in her youth.

Vera:
That pie would have been lovely. I turned the knob for the gas, the spark button doesn't work any more. When I bent down with the match, I saw stars and just keeled over sideways. I lay there for a bit, the cat rubbing its furry back against my face. I felt sick, then tired, then dizzy... those sweet peas look lovely in that white jug. I can smell them down here.

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Two in one - Failing and Snot

Yesterday's topic was Failing. An investigation into writing junk, recognising it as such and learning to sort the wheat from the chaff so to speak. You had to write a full page of trite, repetitive, gushing, clunky, melodramatic junk - the worst gibberish you can muster - then read it through, understand what was so crappy and why you wrote against what you think is 'good' writing. Then scrumple it up, delete it, throw it in the bin - along with your belief in failure.

So, nothing on the page to show for yesterday.

Today is charmingly entitled Snot. Lovely, here goes:

Today, for a minimum of one page, write about snot. Afterward, consider how you felt before you began, as you wrote, and once you were finished. Record your responses. Check if any material emerged (ha ha, ho ho, tee hee!!!) that you could incorporate into a piece you are working on (oh hell, am I meant to be working as well as practising?) Or, list other unmentionable topics you could explore as you write.

Thursday 17th May 2007

Snot (I'm dedicating this one to chickenix!)

A tiny finger holds up a crusty green and brown flake. 'Bogey, Mummy' says the two year old on the other end of the finger. It's a bit like wiping bottoms, cleaning up sick, picking up dog poo, removing wet pants from a clammy little body. It's a job you do through love. You wouldn't take possession of another child's bogey (unless you were being paid). Fiona, the pre-school teacher of the littlest ones was not fazed by the presentation of a bogey. If you choose to work with children it's part and parcel of the job.

A head cold brings more snot that you cold imagine. How can sinuses produce so much or hold so much fluid? Where's it coming from? Hayfever means the same problem. That first day in spring when the trees throw pollen from their shy flowers with gay abandon. That fated visit to a National Trust property for a walk in the garden. You spend most of your time going back and forth to the shop to buy over-priced, over-decorated, under-sized tissues in fiddly little packets. Head full of clear, gushing liquid, eyes full of jelly. Oh, for a proper box of Kleenex Ultra Balm man-size. (Do they still call them that? Isn't it a bit sexist by today's standard? By anyone's standard?)

The healthcare industry thrives on our perennial ability to produce too much snot. Decongestants; nasal sprays and drops; tablets and capsules; tissues, soft and medicated. Tissues that won't dissolve if you trumpet a cup full of soggy, runny goo into them. Pseudoephedrine, the magic ingredient, dries up the mucus. It makes your mouth dry and your heart race and can give you nightmares. None of it really works - I know because I've worked there. We, the marketing people, laughed at the ineffectiveness of Strepsils. Expensive, unpleasant sweeties for hypochondriacs. All the free Nurofen you could swallow wasn't a bad perk, though. Liver damage ahoy!

Bogeys, boogers, mucus, phlegm, snot. Hideous connotations, unpleasant words. The Americans even have Eye Boogers, I recently read about them in a rather enlightening copy of US Cosmo I found on the train. Eye boogers - the advice to avoid them was don't wear back eyeliner inside the rim. It's what we've always called 'sleep'. It's unavoidable - anything that is constantly lubricated like the eyeball produces an excess of used fluid and expels it. It's all mucus. Up the nose, in the eye, and errm... elsewhere. Ahem. So basically snot by another name. Charming.

Which me brings me on to the last point in today's exercise - other unmentionables. My novel won't have sex scenes. Allusions are enough. Can't do it, don't want to, won't, shan't. Snot's bad enough - but oh, I'm having the vapours thinking about the rest. Shudder. Willies and such are best left to the fertile plains of the imagination. Look at what happened to poor old Alan Titchmarsh when he wrote a 'tender' sex scene in a novel - ridiculed on TV and in the press and presented with a 'bad sex' award. Bless. Didn't stop him writing more though, nor people buying his books. Hmmm, on second thoughts... "Her heaving bosom flushed crimson with desire. A stirring in his Y-fronts reminded him she was a right goer... "Take me, Derek!" she panted. "Oh, Val, yer a saucy sort" he grunted, advancing on her, one hand fumbling in his pocket and the other reaching for her purple nylon thong ...

Oops, yesterday's trash seems to be repeating on me.

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

In The Beginning There Was The Word

Today write about the first time words profoundly affected you. Describe the situation, what led up to it, the moment of the encounter, your physical reaction, and something else that was taking place in the same setting but had nothing to do with your experience. Feel free to allow your imagination to supply whichever of these elements you can't recall. You might try this as a poem.

Oh, a poem, I don't think so... erm... drawing a bit of a blank today, am writing early as it's my turn to take the boys to karate so will be in late, and then there'll be a flurry of bath, reading, spelling, story, poem, kisses, lights out, my bath, CSI, chapter of book and lights out before 10.30. So writing early, isn't seeming to work. Too much mundane stuff going on in the brain. Oh well, must try. Here goes. Oh no, think the Air Force are invading, two giant helicopters just gone over so low I could see the men inside. Squaddies! Used to hold much allure. Now I see they are just spotty yobs. I'm getting right off the point again...


Words, and accents, have held great allure for me since I was tiny. Elocution lessons with Ursula Aggio (great name, see?) at the end of the street introduced me to poetry at just four or five. Ian Serralier, Robert Louis Stevenson, Hillaire Belloc, Eleanor Farjeon... the pictures they conjured up were magical. "We built a ship upon the stairs, all made of the back bedroom chairs, and filled it full of sofa pillows, to go a-sailing on the billows." Why so many chairs in a bedroom? Didn't their mothers shout at them for using the sofa pillows? Why pillows and not cushions?

The words continued to amuse and beguile me throughout my childhood. A deep love of Enid Blyton grew when I discovered my sister's Famous Five collection. Here was a delightfully old-fashioned writer who knew how to use the English language and who wasn't afraid of a long word or two. No simplistic descriptions here. Now, of course, we cringe at the stereotyped swarthy gypsies, in need of a wash; the narrow-eyed baddies with -gosh- regional accents, using slang. The words conjured up the English countryside at its best - conversational birdsong; rosy-cheeked farmer's wives. The adventures, the friendship, the language of an era forgotten - gosh! I say! George, old boy! Timmy, you darling! So much more expressive than my contemporaries' terms - 'ellish, cushty, cool. Ugh, made me shudder then, still do.

An English teacher, Miss Brewis, loved poetry and passed out pristine copies of The Sheldon Book of Verse. She read aloud and had us chanting the stanzas like mantras. Daniel in the Lion's Den, Hiawatha, The Lady of Shalott. But best of all was this:

Cargoes, by John Masefield

Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir
Rowing home to haven in sunny Palestine,
With a cargo of ivory,
And apes and peacocks,
Sandalwood, cedarwood, and sweet white wine.

Stately Spanish galleon coming from the Isthmus,
Dipping through the Tropics by the palm-green shores,
With a cargo of diamonds,
Emeralds, amethysts,
Tpoazes, and cinnamon, and gold moidores.

Dirty British coaster with a salt-caked smoke stack
Butting through the Channel in the mad March days,
With a cargo of Tyne coal,
Road rail, pig-lead
Firewood, iron-ware and cheap tin trays.

This poem, those words, mystical, dreamy, exotic, smacking of turquoise seas, unfurling silken sails, flying fish and crescent moons. The harsh contrast to the mundane, unpleasant sight of the familiar made me realise that words could take you away. Words could conjour magic from your mind. I was lost. I still am.

One day, twenty years ago, when having a day in bed with a cold - a day off from school aged about fourteen - I was presented with the radio, tuned to Radio 4, and a new book of poetry for older children - Delights and Warnings. I vividly remember hot lasagne and cold iceberg lettuce on a plate for lunch. Between the morning story, afternoon play, daily service (did we have FM in the '80s?) I read poems like Kubla Khan I spent a day in Xanadu, and with the forsaken merman, and with Ariel fathoms deep, and studying dragons close up. This day stands out in my mind, I relished the words, I studied the syntax, I committed whole chunks of text to memory. The house was quiet, just me, the radio and my poems. Always a serious child.

More recently I have found the same wonder in the simple, spare writing of Anita Shreve. The beauty of a perfect phrase - it stops me in my tracks and I have to go back and re-read that phrase time and time again. I marvel at a mind that would put such perfect words together, that would describe something so aptly with often so unusual a string of words.

I have never had any aspirations to write poetry, have never tried. I just don't know enough about the mechanics of its form. It's like learning a new language. I don't want to learn the past anterior or the gerund. I want to speak the words, try them out. While I still have much to learn about grammar and punctuation, writing things like this allows me to pour out the words in my head, to revel in the beauty of our language.

I still have the Sheldon Book of Verse, the cover's peeled away, it's dog-eared and the pages have yellowed over the years, but it's a precious thing (stolen from the English cupboard under the stairs by Room 3). I think I'll read from it to Henry tonight, something simple, see if I can start that spark smouldering.